Why Link Doesn't Speak Anymore
by ecce-LESLIE
Summary: Postmen are people who you are meant to be able to trust, they handle personal letters and gifts after all, but who in the name of Farore would ever trust this one?" comedy one-shot update: edited to have better paragraphs!


**Disclaimer: I don't own link or another character in this shudder thank Ra**

**This story is absolutely ridiculous and I tend to over describe and stuff, also this is one of my first one shots so please don't send the postman or Navi after me but mainly the postman. X.X**

**Why Link Doesn't Speak **

It was a clear and for once perilous day on the outskirts of Hyrule- castle town to be precise, and a lone figure could be sighted riding effortlessly over the horizon, gradually coming closer and closer to their destination. Honestly, it was a perfect scene, like one you might get in a film or if you'd just been hit over the head with a large blunt object, but lets go for the first option, anyway, the sun was casting an ethereal silhouette over the ground, and the heroic rider was beginning to take shape.

The man sat astride the elegant chestnut haired steed had a trademark green tunic on, master sword included , which many have tried and failed to cosplay, large brown boots with worn and scuffed soles, and the even more distinguishable green hat, some wonder whether it takes away the seriousness what with the hat and the tights but at the end of the day it takes one heck of a courageous manly man to go gallivanting around in that get up and get away with it , he was indeed courageous, that being his piece of the triforce at least and behind his dirty blonde locks piercing blue eyes could be seen.

Yes, of course it was Link, who through my ranting had magically ended up just outside of one of castle towns gates, but there was something amiss, something fowl had grasped the atmosphere and proceeded to swallow it, it was something very dark and sinister, which, to Link's horror had set off Navi. OHH YES… the little blue ball of light was now flashing annoyingly around Link's head shrieking, "HEY LISTEN, HEY LISTEN HEY LISTEN…" like a CD that gets jammed just louder and harder to hit "LINK LISTEN, SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT, COME ON LINK, DO SOMETHING,HEY DO SOMETHING…."

He needed a way to shut her up, but it was hard to think when she was blinding, and deafening him at the same time. After a few more agonizing seconds Link finally decided he'd had enough, and in a flurry of movement and loud obnoxious cursing, Navi was safely stashed away in his boots, and after months of travelling on foot with them on, if she dared to breath she would effectively be killed or close to it. 'serves you right' Link muttered under his breath, whilst rubbing his highly sensitive ears, and blinking his dazed eyes.

This temporary relapse of concentration had made Link forget how ominous the area had become, so he moved onto the bridge before the main gate, Epona began to snort and whiney a little but Link failed to notice this. They edged a little closer, then suddenly froze as a heart wrenching brain stopping over the top gay (no offence) shout tore through the air. Link's eyes were wide as he tried to move Epona, but to no avail, the footsteps that came closer and closer, even they sounded gay, were becoming louder and louder, until the most annoyingly freaky and you guessed it, gay sight stood just in front of and far too close to Link's right thigh. Link twitched.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY MRRRRRRRR…..LIINNNKKK, I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUUUUU" the beast exclaimed in a creepy sing song voice.

Yes. It was HIM, the satanical dictionary explanation of twisted evil. Link mechanically turned his head to look at 'him' but jumped back a little, was it his imagination or was THE Postman closer to him , MUCH closer. Postmen are people who you are meant to be able to trust, they handle personal letters and gifts after all, but who in the name of Farore would ever trust this one. He has a tight shirt that shows his midriff, even tighter short-shorts, big terrifying unblinking eyes, and if you look closely enough, the 'erect' so to speak tower/flag thing on his back actually has a playboy bunny on it, well that's what I believe.

Said Postman brought the package out from no where and slowly lifted his bony hand up to Link, innocent enough, except he rather pushed it up Link's thigh and dangerously close to his very personal 'master sword' which naturally caused Link to fall straight off Epona and to the ground. Oh dear. Before Link had the time to move himself, the postman was straddling him and holding the "special delivery" in his arms "OOOOOOHHHH MMMMMMRRRR LLIII-III-IINNNKK' he over joyously chorused 'I'LL OPEN YOUR GIFT FOR YOU!' so as Link lay horrified on the ground thinking something along the lines of_ triforce of courage my ass_, The Postman had effectively revealed a sinister pair of handcuffs cue item music with an evil twist 'and was now dangling them in front of the poor hero. A series of very anguished cries and maniacal laughter was heard all over Hyrule.

Can you blame Link for not wanting to speak now?

Meanwhile somewhere quite distant but generally evil, as Ganondorf sat on his throne looking very bored, he thought aloud 'I wonder if that blonde fool got my mail…'

**-Every hero has a weakness-**

**End X.X **

**PLEASEEE review -- **

**sigh LoL, I ruined the Beatles, and this song has haunted me for a long time since I first remembered it…. **

**Stop, OH YES! wait a minute mr postman,**

**WAAAAAI-AAAAIII-AAIIIII-AAIT it mr postman,**

**please, mr postman cant u see,**

**wen u put that in there ur hurtin me **

**OOOHH mr PO-ostman can ya stop, **

**coz i dnt want ur letter in my letter box **

**ooohhhh mr postman what the din **

**ur swords unsheathed me where it should not be**

**OHH MR POSTMAN. **

**O-OHH YEAH!!!**

**mrrrrrrr ppoooOOOOoooooossstttmmmaaaannnnn. **


End file.
